The Zoo 2: Tuesday/The Zoo 2 - Tuesday (Disk 2 of 2).adf/edited_articles/EnforcerJim1.ZOO/EnforcerJim1.ZOO

Text File | 1997-04-07 | 12.4 KB | 260 lines

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2324Y00F05goghb23Y00J1Y00C2N"I WANT TO BE A LAW ENFORCER"
1614Y00F05roman16NThe Moving Story of Jimmy Gregory Feathersby.
1518Y00F04ruby15Y00C6NPart 1
2421Y00F07bookman24Y00C2NMelee & Jude
2401N
0824Y00F05prime08Y00J0Y00C5NJimmy Gregory Feathersby (or Jim to his many friends) was the first child of
0801NMr and Mrs Feathersby, at the time models who wanted to start a family.
0801NAfter  his birth his parents were at first deterred in having another child,
0801Nafter Jimmy, but they persisted and their second child Justine possessed many
0801Nof the traits loved in Jimmy (but not to such a great extent).  Jimmy first
0801Nattended a local nursery school, but after a mysterious occasion when all the
0801Nmirrors in the nursery broke Jimmy was blamed.  The staff at the nursery
0801Nordered that Jimmy either be fumigated and wear a paper bag to nursery or no
0801Nlonger attend.  His parents, unable to afford the fumigation fees or the cost
0801Nof a paper bag withdrew him from the premises and were forced, unwillingly to
0801Nhave the boy at home.  It came as a great relief when Jimmy finally made it
0801Ninto Primary School and some of his friends recall him vividly...
0801N
0801N"Kick him in the head as well" - This was the sound that Jimmy grew up with
0801Nat Jarrowfields School recalls Mr X (who declined to be referred to with
0801Npossible reference to Jim).  I remember a funny incident which left me on the
0801Nfloor laughing...I was told to walk up to Jimmy and punch him in the groin.
0801NI walked up saying
0801N"Hello Jimmy", SMACK! "gotcha, ya little crud"(said I to Jimmy). Jimmy
0801Njumped  up and down clutching his bruised groin and shouting
0801N"Ahhh, my head".  I  pointed out to Jimmy that I hadn't punched him in the
0801Nhead but it was all the same to Jimmy.
0801N
0801NAs time went by and we slowly went through primary school everybody was
0801Nbeginning to know what Jimmy's 'personal' signs were.  These included shit
0801Nshoes, soiled pants (on several occasions when he was caught out in assembly
0801Nor at dinner.  Once when he was running about in the playground and a thick
0801Nliquid was seen protruding from his shorts and dripping down his boney legs)
0801Nand a very poor curly hair-do which eventually became the 'locks' we know
0801Ntoday.  Jimmy was a friend in that he brought us food and drink when we asked
0801Nand he never talked back and only spoke when spoken to (as it should be).
0801NGrowing up with Jimmy as his body slowly developed (a process that is still
0801Nin the process of starting) was an experience to remember."
0801N
0801NWe spoke to many fellow students of Jimmy and all remember something of him
0801Nat Primary School...
0801N"Well Jimmy, what can I say.  I suppose I didn't really notice him at primary
0801Nschool, I physically forced myself not to notice him.  I shut him out, it was
0801Nhard and painful.  I might not have had breathing down my neck (and belching
0801Nand passing wind), but I missed out on the laughs with the others kids at
0801NJim's misfortunes.  I do remember this one time though when we went to the
0801Nlake district for a few days.  The air was fresh up there and the teachers
0801Nbelieved it was a place that they could spend time with Jimmy and try to
0801Nunderstand what was inside him.  We slept in dormitories and I remember we
0801Nwere dead annoyed cause no one but Jimmy could sleep. We devised a system
0801Nthat involved beating the crap out of anyone who even breathed a sigh.  Jimmy
0801Nwas a prime suspect and everyone agreed he should get jumped on.  Strangely,
0801Nother people got the hittings. I couldn't work it out at the time - why did
0801Nnobody punch Jimmy.  It later transpired that nobody could bring themselves
0801Nto touch him in his pyjamas."
0801N
0801N"Ha, what a prick". That phrase was taken from another incident at primary
0801Nschool.  One hot,sunny day we were all working away when the teacher told
0801NJimmy to close the curtains to stop the strong sunlight casting its way in.
0801NWhen Jimmy reached out to pull the string he pulled the wrong one and broke
0801Nthe curtains.  This is when I shouted
0801N"Ha, what a prick".  This got Jimmy very mad and at the end of the day when
0801Nwe were going home Jimmy attacked me from behind with his lethal 'neck grip'.
0801NThis fighting attack is just a feeble pinch on the neck, all you had to do is
0801Ngrab his arms, twist him around, throw him to the ground and rub his face
0801Ninto the dirt.
0801NI didn't know why Jimmy attacked me at that time so I quizzed him about it
0801Nbut he just kept trying to slap me on the head (he still does that now, but
0801Neverytime he does he just hurts his hand).  Some time later he told me, so I
0801Njust left him alone for a while and went off with some 'normal' people.  This
0801Nobviously left Jimmy lonely because there were very few people that ever
0801Nspoke to Jimmy so he ended up crawling back (still in the same soiled pants
0801Nand shat trainers he wore to the trip we went on a week earlier).
0801N
0801NThere are some other things to point out about Jimmy and the way he does
0801Nthings in his own 'particular' ways:
0801N
0811Y00C2Y11C5NThe SMILE - This consisted of pulling his lips back until they reached his
0801Nears and letting loose those lovely yellow/black teeth of his.  The entire
0801Noperation of gum-pulling and teeth extending made it one of the more amusing
0801Nbut totally disgusting habits
0801N
0811Y00C2Y11C5NThe SWEAT - By 'sweat' I mean he pulled a benny.  Jimmy did this whenever
0801Nanybody offended him or his parents or tried to make him shit himself by
0801Nhitting him on the shoulders. The facial expression was that of eyeball
0801Nbulging, eyebrow straightening, ear reddening, mouth straightening starey
0801Ntype look, only possible by Jimmy and his fuming nostrils.  Teachers used to
0801Nenquire if Jimmy had any personal problems when they saw him look mad, we
0801Njust said that he had one of his bollocks cut off when he was younger (we
0801Nwere like that then and the teachers merely laughed at words like bollocks,
0801Nscrotem, penis and none when in reference to Jim).
0801N
0811Y00C2Y15C5NThe NOSEPICK - This was a most incredible manouvre that I have only seen
0801NJimmy do. It is very hard to describe but I'll try.  All he does is bend his
0801Nhands in the shape of a shadow bird, invert his hands and rotate them, in
0801Nturn placing each knuckle up his nostril.  On several occasions his sleeves
0801Nbecame  so snot laden, from wiping his knuckles off that he extended the
0801Nwhole manouvre bringing the ectoplasmic (more reference to Ghostbusters
0801Nlater) up into his mouth and onto his tongue.
0806Y00C2N
0806Y09C5NThe RUN - Sports day was always a time for a friendly battle but it was also
0801Na time for Jimmy to show off his leprosy.  When it was time for the 100
0801Nmetre sprint in Jimmy's team we couldn't resist laughing at Jimmy's 'stance'
0801Nwhilst in the starting position and the way his body seemed to be blown
0801Naround by the slightest gush of air.
0801N"On your marks, get set, GO!" - A roar of a laughter was to be heard as Jimmy
0801Nbegan his pathetic girl-style (not being sexist) run to the finish.  His
0801Nentire torso being tossed around by the slightest bit of air.  At the end of
0801Nthe race, Jimmy use to come pathetically last, about 50 metres behind the
0801Nperson before him.  When he walked past we took the piss by telling him he
0801Nwas being thrown about in the wind...
0801N"I enjoyed being tossed, it gives me better acceleration", we just laughed AT
0801Nhim and pushed him back onto the track where he was trampled on by the 400m
0801Nracers.
0801N
0811Y00C2Y17C5NThe HAIR BRUSH - This was just a swift movement with the hand through his
0801Nhair which made a large collection of extremely thick dandruff cascade down
0801Nhis back.
0801N
0811Y00C2Y11C5NThe ITCH - This another of those 'Jimmy only' manoeuvres.  Jimmy just gets
0801Nboth of his hands and does the most over exaggerated itch all over his body
0801Nwhilst crushing his face together and making about 100 wrinkles appear over
0801Nhis mud encrusted face.
0801N
0801N"I'm thirsty, look! WATER"
0801NA couple of months later we all got letters home saying 'pay us 100 quid and
0801Nwe'll take your children to Lake District'.  Everybody went (we all chipped
0801Nin to take Jimmy so we could just laugh at him and kick him and stuff) and so
0801Nit was bound to be interesting.  The bus ride there consisted of 'he likes
0801Nher' singalongs, it went through everybody except one person, yes, good old
0801NJimmy  was the one who was conveniently left out, until someone started
0801N"Paul likes Jimmy..."
0801NWhen we arrived we were put into massive dormitories which split boys from
0801Ngirls, whoops, Jimmy was lost again.  I was unfortunate to have to sleep near
0801N(about 10 feet away) from Jimmy so all I got all night was a strong odour
0801Ncoming from his shoes, and a wave of dandruff floating around and settling on
0801Nsurrounding objects. Yes it's true he was on top of me (something which he
0801Nstill boasts about today).  The next day we all went on a walk up to the top
0801Nof a small mountain, it was hot, very hot, so when we all reached the top we
0801Nwere dying of thirst.  Some of us were wise and took drinks with us, some
0801Njust didn't care about the thirst.  Jimmy was the one of the ones who was
0801Nvery thirsty.  People began to drink from a stream thinking it was 'pure
0801Nfresh mountain water', bad luck Jimmy and Co., it was a liquid coming from a
0801Nsewerage pipe a little further up the hill (more on sewerage later).
0801N
0801NAfter a while we returned to the hostel and had our tea.  After that we just
0801Nlounged around watching TV and punching Jimmy and throwing sharp objects at
0801Nhim (like snooker cues and darts and big knives).  When it was time to go to
0801Nbed we all just left and went to out beds and waited until the teachers had
0801Nsettled down.  After about an hour of waiting we formulated a plan.  We got
0801Nsomeone's camera flash and walked outside to the window of the girls dorm, we
0801Nthen let the flash rip up a couple of times to see what the girls reaction
0801Nwould be. There were just a few,
0801N"what was that" and
0801N"did you see that".  We then decided it would be funnier and more scary to
0801Nget Jimmy and shove his mutha-fuckin' ugly face up to the window.  Now that
0801NDID  scare the shit out of the girls, there was just screaming girls and mad
0801Nrushing about inside the girls dorm.  We swiftly returned to our dorm and
0801N'fell asleep'.  Some of the girls are still traumatised by the 'disgusting,
0801Nugly, monster'.
0801N"Thank god," one girl said later that he had that dirty, ripped nightshirt
0801Non."
0801N
0801NWhen we returned it was only a couple of weeks to the end of school and that
0801Nmeant secondary school choice time.  We tried everything to try to make Jimmy
0801Ngo to Crossley, or a small Australian out-back school (we were even prepared
0801Nto help him raise the money for his one way flight).  But of course he came
0801Nto the same school as us (the sneaky, dirty little shat).
0801N
0801NThe last day of school arrived and we all got cards from the head teacher.
0801NWe went outside and signed each others cards and we had quite a collection of
0801Nnames in them by the end of the day.  Everybody's name was in everybody
0801Nelses card, except one, just one name never appeared, that name was "Jim".
0801N
0801NThe bell went, it was time to leave.  We roared out, hitting Jimmy as we
0801Npassed, spinning him around in the gust of wind generated, glad to be free
0801Nfrom primary school. (little did we know what Secondary school was to be
0801Nlike)
0801N
0801NThat is Jimmy's small and seemingly pointless presence at primary school
0801Nfinished but it is what happened at Secondary School that made him into the
0801N'man' he is today...
0801N
0811Y00C6Y00J1NNOW LOAD PART 2 TO ENJOY JIMMY'S HIGH SCHOOL YEARS.
*!EOF